The Declaration of Pumpkindependance
When in the Course of pumpkin events, it becomes necessary for one
Pumpkin Growers Federation to dissolve the political bands which have connected
them with another, and to assume among the Powers of the pumpkin patch, the
separate and equal plot of soil to which the Laws of Mother Nature and of
Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of pumpkin growers
requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to this insane
endeavor.
We hold these truths to be botanically-evident, that all pumpkins
are not created equal, that they are endowed by their Growers with certain
unalienable Attributes, that among these are Length, Width and the pursuit
of Girth. That to secure these attributes, Pumpkin Patches are instituted
among Growers, deriving their just Green Thumbs from the experience consented
in prior seasons, That whenever any Form of Pumpkin Patch becomes destructive
of these ends, it is the Right of the Growers to alter the soil or to amend
it, and to institute new pumpkin patches, by enriching it's foundation on
such fertilizers and organic components increasing its powers in such form,
as to shall seem most likely to effect their Maximum size and weight. Patience,
indeed, will dictate that Pumpkin Patches long established should not be
changed for sunlight and drought causes; and accordingly all growing experience
hath shown, that pumpkin growers are more disposed to suffer, while insect
evils are sufferable, that to right size pumpkins by abolishing the old forms
of pumpkin growing to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of
agricultural abuses and uprootings, pursuing invariably "the BIG ONE", evinces
a design to expand them under absolutely ideal growing conditions, it is
their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Growth hampering conditions,
and to provide new and revolutionary methods for their future flourishment.
- Such has been the patient sufferance of these Growers; and such is now
the necessity which constrains them to alter their former genetic limitations.
The history of the present King of Pumpkin Growing is a history of repeated
deceit and concealments, all having in direct object the establishment of
an absolute Number one pumpkin grower in these States. To prove this, let
Facts be submitted to a candid world.
He has refused his Assent to Laws of nature, the most wholesome and
necessary for the pumpkin good.
He has forbidden other Growers to pass Learnings of immediate and
pressing importance, unless suspicious in their application till his Assent
should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to provide
detail to them.
He has refused to share other Laws for the accommodation of large
districts of growers, unless those growers would relinquish the right of
Weigh-offs in the fall events, a right inestimable to them and formidable
to tyrants only.
He has called together Pumpkin growing Federations at places unusual,
uncomfortable, and distant from the plots of their Atlantic Giants, for the
sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
He has dissolved Pumpkin Websites repeatedly, for opposing with manly
firmness his invasions on the information rights of the growers.
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause
other amateur growers to get started; whereby the growers with the best genetic
seeds, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large
for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the
dangers of frost from without, and hailstorms within.
He has endeavoured to prevent the propagation of these pumpkin patches;
for that purpose obstructing the Laws of Natures; refusing to pass seeds
to others to encourage the hobby hither, and raising the conditions
of new patches of Lands dedicated to growing Atlantic Giants.
We, Therefore, the Representatives of the Pumpkin Growers of America,
in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Fall weigh-Off Judges of
the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by authority
of the good farmers of these gardens, solemnly publish and declare, That
these United Pumpkin Confederation are, and of Right ought to be Free and
Independent growers; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the Mother
Nature, and that all political vines between them and the State of the Great
Pumpkin, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent
growers, they have full Power to levy insecticides, conclude fruit set, contract
manure suppliers, establish fertilization programs, and to do all other Acts
and Things which Independent growers may of right do. And for the support
of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the Protection of Mother Nature,
we mutually pledge to each other our growing secrets, our Fortunes, and our
sacred Pumpkins.
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